When in DC

I wish the name was as cool as Panda Jerky

I live in a Craphole September 23, 2008

Filed under: My Lawn,Uncategorized,Weird Spaces — quatre chords @ 9:29 am
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For those of you who have not heard me gripe about my house; for those of you who have, but don’t believe how bad it is:  I present to you the draft letter to the landlord.  Also, a little gem from my cousin who read the letter, “What the fuck are you living in a shithole for?  Get your asses out of that obstacle course and into a respectable home.”


The Letter:


Dear Mr. X,


     There are several issues with the current condition of the house at XXXXXXX that we would like to bring to your attention. Several of these concerns could cause serious injury if they are not resolved, and we would like you to take prompt action to rectify them.


     First, there is an exposed outlet behind the couch that not only does not have a cover, but no cap on the actual outlet. It is a fire hazard and has shocked one of us while attempting to plug in a cord.  This is something we have previously notified you about, to which you said you would send someone to fix the issue.  No one has come to fix it.


     Second, the utility sink into which the washer drains is clogged. Only one load of laundry can be done per day because the sink does not drain causing excess water to spill onto the floor of the basement, destroying some of our personal property. We have attempted to rectify this situation using Drano, but the drain is still clogged and a plumber needs to come to fix it as it is beyond our control. The constant flooding has the potential to cause mold growth, which is known to cause breathing issues and one tenant has asthma.


     Third, the air conditioner is leaking and needs to be replaced. The air conditioning company you had suggested, B.L. James & Son, came out to the house on two separate occasions and looked at the unit that was leaking very badly in the basement.  They told X that the unit needs to be replaced, but that adding a larger coil and re-aligning the drainage pipe would fix the leak.  They also said that they have informed you about the problem and the solution.  In addition, they said that it would begin to leak Freon, the chemical that cools the air.  If they have not informed you of this, then this letter is to serve that purpose.  The air conditioning unit has not ceased leaking and will continue to do so until the proper action is taken. 


     Fourth, the cabinet that was above the stove fell off the wall and landed on X’s shoulder.  At the time, no one was touching the cabinet; it merely fell off the wall.  The unit is beyond repair, and needs to be replaced.


     Fifth, the lawn mower is broken. Someone needs to look at the mower to determine what needs to be done in order to repair it and ensure that it is repaired and in working condition.


     Sixth, both decks are rotting.  We do not believe we are in immediate danger, but this is an issue that cannot be left for much longer. 


     Seventh, the refrigerator is leaking and is very inefficient. Food goes bad very quickly and when the thermostat in the refrigerator is lowered, some food freezes while other food does not.  Because the refrigerator is old and inefficient, it increases our electrical bill.  As our utilities are not covered as part of our rent, this directly affects our cost of living in your rental property.


     Eighth, because we have a furnace, it was recommended by the company that looked at the air conditioning unit, that we get a carbon monoxide detector.  If there is a high level of carbon monoxide and we are unaware, it could cause death.  We would like you to provide sufficient carbon monoxide detectors as recommended by the fire department.


It is important to us that these issues be resolved quickly.  Please review our concerns and get back to us promptly on how best to resolve the issues at hand.  This letter is not meant to be a threat in any way and should be considered as the beginning of a dialogue.


Thank you.




Your Tenants


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